Saying yes...

Bat-in-Training...

In a handful of days, I turn 50. It's a fact. Yes, yes, I know, it's better than the alternative, but I have to say, it's fucking with me... not all of the time, but during those moments when my guard is down.

50...

It does not compute. 50 is my parents' age. 50 belongs to my aunts and uncles, or older siblings. I'm the baby of the family, how can I be 50???

Not to mention the fact that I'm still fighting inner wars and dramas from 15, 24, 32, 45... and probably more. Parts of me are caught up. Parts of me relish all I know now... the calm I have about certain areas of my life, but there are still parts of me that are panicking, thinking, WAIT!!! I'M NOT DONE YET!!! To be honest, in some ways, I haven't even started! But, if you're a female in the world, your shelflife is short... unless you move to the crone section. I'm allergic to dust. I don't want to move there.

Don't get me wrong... I don't need to be 25. I'm glad I'm not 25. I'm glad my children are growing and thriving and don't need me as much, OR... need me in newer, more wonderful ways, but still... 50.

I'm glad my creativity is loving that I'm 50. Although I'm no longer on the hip train of things, I see things and get things like never before, but still... 50.

My eyes are not what they were, my hair is not what it was, oh hell... nothing physical is what it was... and yet I feel like I finally understand things or have perspective on things I never have, but the joke is, it's too late. I've heard it a million times... "Oh! If only I knew what I knew now, but when I was younger!"

Heh.

Don't get me wrong. It doesn't bother me every day. It has not crippled me, but... there is a large part of me that is wondering how it happened... it's so easy to get lost in the minutiae of a day... and then another... and another, and before you know it, you're looking at those days from the other end and it freaks you out... if only for a moment.

I also know that I'll look back on this in 10, or 20 years, and will laugh. HA! You were ONLY 50!

Grizzled and I celebrated our 20th anniversary last week. While cleaning out a closet, I found a video his father had made of part of our rehearsal, our rehearsal dinner and a snippet of the reception. Somehow, we both had missed this. Somehow, it came into our possession and we had no clue! We watched it the other day, for the first time... watching people who are no longer here, people who were so much vibrant and younger. We looked at ourselves. When I looked at my 20 yr-younger self, all I could think of was, "WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM!??! YOU WERE FINE! WHY DID YOU LISTEN TO EVERY ASSHOLE WHO HAD A COMPLAINT?" I'm trying to tell myself that now... so I don't look back in 20 years and think, come on... life was good! You're with people you like and love! Doing more or less things you like and love! So what if your boobs are past their perky date! So what if your ass is huge! So what if you have not achieved all you want to achieve! Thank gawd you haven't! You have years to live! Years to thrive! Shut the fuck up and embrace this!

I know this. Deep down I know this...

But man... there are days when I'd like to take this back to 25... or 35... and try it knowing what I do now. I knew it then. I believe I did. I just listened to too many others, like most of us do.

Maybe I'll get myself some celebratory earplugs. :)

One guess...

I had to clean out a rarely used cupboard over the fridge so we could rip the cupboard down. It seems the new "regular" refrigerators they sell now don't fit in "regular" old houses. Anyhow... all that aside... look what I found!!!

I may be blind, but I've still got it!

I've always had a good sense of color... able to pick out what makes up a color, able to see where they're off, able to see colors others say should not be there. I ran across this test again, where you have to drop and drag colors in order of their hue. I took the test, with a bright window behind my screen and I still. kicked. ass. Scores ranged from 0 being the best to 1520 being the worst. For women in my age range, I scored a 12. I knew it wasn't perfect, but my eyes were fried and I submitted. Not to mention I have horrible vision and am old.

I'll take a 12!!

I made EL stop reading her physics book (she's reading it for fun, don't ask...) and take the test. I was thinking I stood a chance at beating her... the old gray mare might still be what it used to be. And her score?? 11! Grrrrrr. I'm going to block out the window and take it again...

Shout out question for Herr Doktor Vision... and forgive its simplicity, but... is it merely cones that allow us to perceive color, or does a life's worth of color experience help as well?

Update:

This song had to be added after I realized why it was playing in my head after taking the test...

Ride Captain Ride

One of our daily rituals is Mr. Handsome accompanying me to the train to pick up Grizzled after work. Mr. Handsome knows this is his deal. Squirmy Little Dog usually doesn't go. It's one of the things I do for Mr. Handsome to make up for unleashing Squirmy Little Dog upon his world. Grizzled doesn't need a ride either, but it's one of the things I do for him to make up for what the workday has unleashed on him.

If I stand up or start walking around at any point within 30 minutes of when I normally leave to go retrieve Grizzled, Mr. Handsome is RIGHT. THERE. READY!! And Squirmy is usually biting his ankles.

After getting into the car, the window must be down, no matter the weather. It's part of the deal. I get that. Mr. Handsome must go air-surfing. Mr. Handsome must greet his adoring crowd. I have never seen more friendly people in this place than I do when Mr. Handsome is sticking his handsome puss out the window. People smile, people wave... the other evening, a man even stopped and tipped his hat. Oh to be the recipient of such adoration. It probably even makes up for the bugs in the eyes.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Off to the lake...

Looking forward to a change of pace and a different perspective. We'll start with bird island via satellite view. I had given the lake address to someone, was checking Google Maps to make sure the location was in the correct spot, it was off in the past... and figured I'd roam around a bit and see what bird island looked like from above. The image is probably from last year, but it's still fun. All of those light spots are HERONS!

Woo-hoo!!

Random Nature

Thunder's Columbine photo made me think of our volunteer Columbine in the front of our house. It's not in a good spot. I've tried to dig the damn thing up to move it a couple of times... tried to kill it a few other times, but it's going nowhere.  I'm more of a fan of single petaled fleurs as opposed to the fancier pom varieties, but this is still awfully pretty

Also... a photo of a volunteer bunny... also thriving. We had a family of them nesting by the happy, happy bird feeder. Sorry for the poor photo. Those little boogers are fast!! Zipping from one protective plant to another.

 

New Bird

When I told one of my brothers about my Buntingpalooza, he said to keep an eye out for Rose-breasted Grosbeaks... that if Buntings are in the area, these will probably show up as well. Pffft. Yeah, right... I thought of my small (though critter-friendly, even Mr. Coyote has sauntered through) yard compared with his much larger and VERY critter-friendly backyard. I did not expect to see one... Then this morning, while responding to email, I looked up, and who was perched on top of the feeder hook?? Looking all "Hey! See me! See me!!" That's right! Mr. Rosy-breasted Grosbeak!

What's  next??

HA!!!!

Mr. Indigo Bunting decided to come visiting with Mr. Big-Ass Rabbit... to snarfle up fallen food. Since Mr. I. Bunting had already done a fly-by, I had taken down the screen and had snagged YL's camera...

Also... ignore the weeds...

 

Photography challenge for thundra...

1) Something biomorphically and geometrically pleasing.

2) Something autobiographical.

3) Something hopeful.

4) Something WEIRD!

5) Something enigmatic.

6) Something under-appreciated.

7) Something nostalgic.

8) Something swirly, curly, lurly-lurly...

9) Something gagtastically artistic.

10) Something humorous.

11) Something delicious (not food).

12) Something softer than it looks (no kit-TENS).

13) Something with amazing balance yet asymmetrical.

14) Something revealing (no moobs).

15) Something discreet.

16) Something unexpected.

17) Something where the feeling when you took the photo jumps off the page and makes us feel like we experienced it as well.

That's all! :)

Thundra... I've got a shoe for you...