Saying yes...

A little frightened, but wondering if this would work on everything...

Saturday-

8:30 AM: Looked at new batch of catalogs... amazed at the plethora of Christmas offerings. Spy toaster I think would fit in funky area where our "it fits, but it's still a piece of crap" toaster has been for the past 10 years... decide it's probably too much, choose to put it off again, and move on to griping about plethora of Christmas offerings.

9:13 AM: Receive email from Amex saying those bonus points I've been accruing forever are now available to use at Amazon for anything... not just stuff no one needs in special bonus point categories.

10:30 AM: Wondering if Amazon offers that toaster.

12:47 PM: Ordering toaster from Amazon... using bonus points. Opting for regular shipping.

5:30 PM: Receive email that toaster has shipped. Apparently no rest for the wicked.

Sunday-

8:45 AM: Man shows up at house with a package. IT'S THE DAMN TOASTER! DELIVERED ON A SUNDAY MORNING... almost exactly 24 hours after spying it in the catalog.

I wonder what else this would work on...

Ponies??

I Get Email, Part CXXVII

A kindly reader pointed out that HDB was most likely not calling me out in this comment, but rather, was playing along. That could very well be. I wasn't exactly calling him out in a 100% serious way either, however, I was feeling a tad vulnerable given the fact that I had received email again yesterday (not from the kindly reader) telling me that I don't always conduct myself in a proper manner. I'm a female, a married female... and worst?? I'm a MOTHER! Mothers don't make rude jokes, it might harm the children!

I have had a rude mind forever. I've been a fan of the double entendre even longer. It's just a part of me. Yes, even I have my limits, and too much time spent in the comment locker room of some blogs can make even me cringe, roll my eyes, or declare, "Grow up!" Chances are though... I'm thinking of 20 comebacks that never make it onto the page because blue comments by women carry more risk of judgment about the woman. Even worse?? They carry the risk that the dolts won't understand that the woman was joking and will think she's a needy stalker... (is that redundant?? Is a stalker by its very nature, needy??)

I've gotten used to this double standard over time... I usually know when to play and when to be quiet. I know Brando's comment threads are usually safe for unleashing although a specific one still haunts me to this day. I know that fish will delete for me when I feel I've gone to far. Oh hell... fish will delete his entire comment history!

The fact remains... I love filthy humor. I can turn anything into something off sounding. It doesn't make me any less of a lady, or any less of a mother. (If the evil PTA ever finds my blog, I hope they remember that. I'm not the one who was dancing on the table at last Saturday night's party and flashing my neighbor...  ok??) I would like to think I'm raising two wonderful kids and that their mother's excursions into questionable humor is either strengthening their own funny bones, or causing them to lighten up about things in life that just don't need to be that serious.

And for those of you who have suggested that my humor is disrespectful to Grizzled, don't worry... my humor was one of the very first things Grizzled noticed... after my rack...

Grizzled also knows I like men. I married one... and even though I married one, I still like bantering with the wide selection of wonderful specimens out there. I find them intriguing... and I find their freedom of humor appealing. I count it as a blessing to occasionally be allowed into the locker room, and get a little irked when I feel I'm being called out for by breaking rules they themselves don't have to keep.

Gackadoodledoo

I got an email from a beloved friend today... in the subject line?

Tuna Melt

Ok, it really said Tuna Nelt, but that's just because we like destroying the English language.

In the body?

By far one of the greatest sangritches ever. Yes, sangritches really means sandwiches.

I honestly don't think I've ever had a tuna melt and don't plan on having a tuna melt. Nothing sounds worse to me than hot tuna with melted cheese! I can do tuna casserole, but tuna melt? GACK! The mere thought of it sounds wrong. I imagine lukewarm tuna salad with a semi-congealed piece of oil-speckled cheese on it... maybe even a fly buzzing around. It just sounds nasty.

Has anyone had one? Does anyone else feel the tuna melt love my friend feels?

Now I do like a Patty Melt... however, I prefer to say "Pattry Nelt"...  Actually, I even enjoy saying Patty Melt. It's good I like them because about 60% of the time, if I'm in a diner, I have to order the Patty Melt just so I can say it. I think my nostrils flair a little bit... perhaps even twitch a little, with one eyebrow raising ever so slightly. The saying of it is almost as satisfying as the sangritch itself.

But seriously... am I missing something with the Tuna Melt? I don't think so, but it's never too late to change and have one's eyes opened. Tuna Nelt isn't as much fun to say though...

Because we can't all be as discriminating as fish...

In fish's latest post, he admits to occasionally... very rarely... liking pop music.

My music snobbery takes on a vaguely Pitchforkian cobaggishness in that I am not usually a big fan of pop songs. When I do like them, they almost always conform to a particular formula that I am powerless to resist...

The two songs he mentions fall roughly a decade apart. I am not that strong, while loving many kinds of music, I know I'm also prone to answering the siren's call of the pop song. For that matter, I'm also prone to answering the siren's call of many baaad things. Sure, I have a fondness for the finer things. I want stellar, transcendent food, music, movies, friendships, etc, etc, etc... but sometimes, baaaad is just as good. Sometimes bad is better than good. I don't question, I just go with it.

At the top of my list of some favorite bads (and just to note, these bads do not preclude their finer counterparts)?  Bads that I know are bad and don't care, I'm doing it anyhow!?!

~Bad wedding cake. Something about that shortening/almond flavoring/dense white cake combo can have me crashing a wedding on the wrong side of town.

~ Strawberry flavored items. It's not a replacement for real strawberries, but is its own beast. Along with this... raspberry flavored items. Blue coloring a MUST! I'm talking to you Pinko and Kathleen!!! Note: not all faux fruit flavors are good bad. Watermelon and sour apple are just nasty bad and have no business being in anything.

~ Bad TV. Yes, I spent way too many years of my youth reveling in and dissecting this show.

~ Along with bad TV would have to be... bad movies... those you'll watch again and again and not know why...

~ And of course, I wouldn't be a card-carrying female if I didn't mention the occasional bad boy... No links for those. Those remain in my memory.

~ Bad blogs also have a way of sinking their teeth in... You know you should be doing something productive, but instead you find yourself hanging out with a certain zombie, filling up the comment section with anything that will get you to 100 comments, 200 comm... oh hell, it's all a blur after that...

Ok... those are a few of my good bads... Pony up people. I know you've got them. What are yours? What rasty-ass bad things make your toes curl and make you smile with glee? Hmmm? Don't be shy. Share!

Commenting over at fish's???

I could be wrong, but all of this sounds hauntingly familiar...

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Mystery...

For the past couple of months, while the Youngest Lamblet and I are walking to the bus stop, I've noticed pennies hanging from a neighbor's lamppost. Yes, pennies... at least 6, but probably more. They are encased in between two long strips of Scotch Tape which hangs vertically from the crossbar of the lamp. I have no idea why someone would do this and I don't know the couple well enough (if at all) to ask them why they have a line of pennies dangling from their lamppost.

The lamppost is right at the front corner of the yard where the end of the driveway meets the sidewalk. It is surrounded by a lovely rambling rose. There's nothing else by it. At first I thought it might be some form of squirrel repellent, but there's nothing there that a squirrel would want. so no need to repell.

Other ideas that have popped into my mind?

Something about the elemental properties of the pennies works with the rain to prevent corrosion of the lamppost...

It's a pagan spell used to bring about wealth, although I believe you're supposed to bury pennies around a tree for that one... why I know that, I have no idea, but I seem to recall someone relating it to me at some point and I haven't forgotten, nor have I tried it...

It's some cutesy church slogan thing... I've seen enough of these to suspect any weird outdoor thing as being related to a cutesy church slogan thing... you know, like pennies from heaven or something like that. 

They're inside, recording our reactions. Is Candid Camera still around?

Last but not least, they want to know what we're thinking and have put payment out front for easy access. Yes, the classic penny for your thought... although I'm guessing everyone who walks past has the same thought, "What's with the dangling pennies?!?"

So, any other ideas?? Any one familiar with this ritual? This lamppost decoration? Are they merely testing our honesty? Waiting to see who will steal the pennies? Well, apparently not many, since they're still there. Now had they taped $100 dollar bills to it... that might have been a little more tempting... plus, shredded money makes excellent squirrel nest bedding.

Life After Death

Five years ago I got one of those calls you just never expect, but most of us will get at some point if we associate with the living. It was my mother... someone was dying. It was my brother's wife. I stood there and could not make sense out of it. Apparently there had been a massive brain bleed... she was brain dead, but they were waiting until all people who needed to be there could be there since she was an organ donor. Aside from the pesky brain bleed, she was healthy.

My sister-in-law dropped dead just months shy of her 50th birthday. My brother went from planning her surprise party to planning a funeral. My brother went from being a happy family man to being a widower with 3 children. He lost the woman he had been in love with since high school (I met her when I was 7). I would have crumbled. He did not. Does this mean he flew through the grief? The loss? No, I'm sure there was plenty of ugly, plenty of anger, and he deserved it. He was allowed to go through it, but go through it he did, he didn't stay.

A couple of months ago I was at his house, it was a rare time where nothing was going on, I wasn't over there for a function, my husband and kids weren't there. A couple of his kids were rambling around, but otherwise, it was just us two. He was sitting on his bed watching a ballgame and I joined him. We half watched, half talked, and I spilled out what a stressful number of weeks I had had along with all of my doubts about mankind while leaning my head on his shoulder. I felt almost selfish, knowing my hard weeks had been nothing like the challenges asked of him, but gracious as always, big brotherly as always, he listened and gave me hugs and said he had been to dark places and that they're just not worth staying in no matter how hard they are to crawl out of. He said he had been in the worst spot and he never wants to be there again, will not allow himself to go there again, no matter how bad things are. He and his business have been hit upside the head by the challenges of the economy and yet he was still remaining upbeat. Not only was he remaining upbeat, but he was bucking me up.

Yes, he was remaining optimistic. We spoke of things we wished for in the future and he said he didn't need to find the end-all love he once sought as a young man, he had already found that... no he just hoped for some companionship. This past week marked the 5th anniversary of his wife's death, I emailed him and said how proud I was of him and how relieved I was that he had miraculously found some footing. He then told me he had met someone and was just enjoying spending time with another person, someone who wasn't looking for all we think we're looking for in our 20's. He said:

Like I told X in regards to the anniversary, because she was aware of the date, I said it is a day to remember, but not one to mourn anymore, because life continues and what has happened will never change, but how we move forward still has value and opportunity, so we are where we are and maybe it's time to start the next chapter and live for those who are left and enjoy them all the more......like friends and family that have carried me all this time, so it's nice to share time with someone who can appreciate these sentiments and not judge or think me crazy........my family already knows I'm a bit TOUCHED!!

My heart sang when I read that. I believe I also told him thank gawd he was touched, to which he responded, "That's right, we're normal, they're all crazy!" :)

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting about this... although I'm pretty much an open book, I do have plenty of stuff I keep private and believe should remain private, whether my own story or someone else's. Also, my brother doesn't read my blog and I'm not quite sure it's fair to post something so private in such a public space, but I guess I'm just really proud of him and amazed at what he's been able to weather. Does that make sense?? I guess it's also a reminder to myself not to linger in bad places even though they're sure to come. Shit will happen. Horrible shit may happen, but we can choose how we react. Why stay in a bad spot if you can think a slightly better thought? Followed by another and another.

The other reason for posting this? We were told that my sister-in-law, through donating her body, most likely helped around 50+ people. 50+.  That's a lot of people. I realize people have their beliefs, but if you're not tightly wrapped to any and have not signed your license...  you might want to. We don't need our bodies once we're gone and someone who is ready to write their next chapter might need something.

Things you think you'll never hear again...

We were enjoying a pleasant late summer evening last night, sitting at an outdoor cafe, having a cocktail and some appetizers, enjoying the company of some of Grizzled's relatives, when I was ambushed by an elderly woman who appeared to be deep in her cups.

I was sitting kind of sideways to the door of the establishment and heard the couple pouring out. The elderly man made a slight ruckus trying to maneuver his rolling walker past the planters and seemed to be in a jovial mood. He was joking about why we had to stay outside, had we not been permitted in?? The wife poured out soon after, speaking much louder than was necessary, the sound of abundant alcohol coming out of her mouth.

It was then that she chose to attack... I was chatting with my in-laws when the next thing I know, I'm in a sort of a headlock, my shoulder-length hair being tugged. The crazy lady had grabbed me from behind, arm around my forehead, pulling my head back, her other hand tugging on my hair. I felt like an animal must feel when slaughter is near. I had no idea what the f**k was going on. Was it someone from my painting class?? Were they getting their revenge?? When looking at the rest of our table, I saw nothing but horror on the faces. I could tell Grizzled felt he should do something, but probably thought it inappropriate to wrestle a sauced, elderly woman to the ground...

It was then that I heard the words I have not heard since I was about 9 and going through my Peter Tork phase... "Are you a male or a female?? You know, it's hard to tell these days!"

I freed my head from her grasp and had what seemed to be a permanent, silent, "Whaaaaa??" pasted on my mouth as my mind reeled off all of the not so subtle clues that I was indeed a female when my loud and direct sister-in-law came to my rescue, blurting out, "Excuse me, can you not see her rack?!?!"

As the couple ambled off, now talking of Jackie Gleason and shouting to us, "And away we gooooo!", I was left kind of dazed and confused about what had just happened. My gender is usually only in question when I'm on the phone, not in person. I was truly perplexed as were those around me. Grizzled said I was talking before the attack and that the woman was probably popped enough and old enough, that it was dark enough, that she was only taking cues from my voice (she was no soprano herself...), not my hair, earrings, purse, ample bosom, hips, make-up, painted toenails, etc, and that once she had wrenched my head back, she confirmed I was indeed a female.

Yeah, ok, ok... I guess I can see that. What I can't see is thinking it's ok to put a total stranger into a headlock and then asking them if they're male or female. Of course she probably won't even remember it today.

We wrapped it up soon after, the evening having taken a turn for night and having foreshadowed the scary drunkenness it could bring. After having said our goodbyes and starting to go our separate ways, I hear my sister-in-law shout, "Hey Jen! Nice man-boobs!!!" 

Maybe I need to start wearing more pink...

tonight... the sun set in the east and fish was wrong!!!

Dr fish has always said, if you google it, it will exist.... Tonight, something came up where I realized I need meat ornaments. Yes, meat. I could see them in my mind's eye... glorious mercury glass steaks, sausage garland, bacon hanging like icicles. I was giddy with excitement. I knew they had to be out there. All I needed to do was GOOGLE!!@!11!

They. Weren't. There.

In defense of fish's google theory, I did find meat ornaments that were made up of those ubiquitous porcelain ovals that have whatever you want placed on the front with a decal. That's NOT WHAT I WANTED!!@! Didn't Google know?!! I could see them!! Where were they!?!

I then realized, maybe I'd found a hole in the ornament market! Could it be there there are no blown glass meat ornaments?? Oh come on! If only I knew how to make mercury glass... Does anyone know anyone who manufacturs mercury glass ornament? Anyone willing to manufacture a nice holiday T-Bone?? Hmmmm??

Also... I'm tired, so my finessing of the google may not be up to snuff. Anyone who locates some glass meat ornaments will get a prize and fish will get an apology.

Wow

About 17 seconds in on this video a man yells, "Kill him!" in response to John McCain talking about Barack Obama. I don't think John McCain wants any harm to come to Obama, but he and Palin are courting the hate. They're encouraging the fear and loathing. Everytime they call Obama a domestic terrorist, they're putting him in harms way. They should be ashamed. Heaven forbid anyone act on this incubated hate.