Saying yes...

It feels like you should have known...

I had one of those days a number of months back... one of those days where you know you should probably just stay under the covers. I had a new painting class starting. Most of the usual suspects were going to be missing this session due to travel or health issues. Actually, we were all supposed to be missing this session since the newer powers that be had held hard and fast to the "must meet minimums for a class to run" rule. I had warned and warned some more... class was not going to happen as we were only going to have 5 people. I wasn't that worried, knowing enrollment would pick up for future sessions. I was actually looking forward to a break. I needed some extra freedom in my schedule due to other things in my life that needed my attention... but then my boss did something insane and decided to run the class... with two people, one of whom would not be able to make it due to a bad reaction to anesthesia. I had told my boss I needed the break, but no... she decided I'd be doing a lesson for one. While the person who came to class was wonderful... she really didn't want any painting instruction. It was going to be a long 6 weeks.

Anyhow, that first day, I realized I had no clean painting clothes. No problem, I had time to do a fast, small load... it was just the washer decided to stop, not once, but twice. Same for the dryer. By the time I finally got things washed, the dryer would not stay on. These are relatively new machines. It was bizarre. 4 hours later, I managed to have a damp pair of painting clothes to wear. I went to load up the car when my dogs decided jumping up on the door would be a good idea thus shutting it. Of course the door was locked. Of course the emergency key was not in its spot. Of course my house keys were inside, in my purse, with my phone, and my car fob. Of course it was starting to rain. I ditched my uber-heavy painting bag on the patio and hoofed it to work, luckily having my work key in my coat pocket. I also knew YL would get home before me, so she'd have her keys... I'd get back inside. I just didn't think of what it would look like to her when she got home. There'd be my purse, phone, keys, etc, on the table, and my painting bag on the patio, car in the driveway,  but no me! I came home to find a tearful YL on the phone with her father telling him I'd been kidnapped.

The day had other weirdness, but I'll briefly summarize the ending by saying the father we always joked about being a perv, was actually arrested for being a perv. All attention went to news stories about that.

Flash forward to the present. Grizzled and I had been commenting off and on how we had not heard from a longtime friend for a while. She hadn't returned my email... her landline was disconnected... not that odd as her cellphone was still taking messages, but none were returned. She was a lone wolf type so it wasn't unusual to not hear from her for a few months. Still, something wasn't sitting right. I finally remembered to enter her middle initial into a google search the other day and found out she'd been killed in a car/pedestrian accident... almost 4 months ago, on that totally messed up day. Had it not been for all of the perv news, we would have heard about the accident, would have known it was right by her place, and would have thought to check on her sooner, but we missed it. It feels so wrong to have known someone for 25 years and that they can die and you don't know it. I feel neglectful even though I know I've done nothing wrong... it's just the way it is. In this world of hyper-connectivity, we still have our space. It's a blessing and a curse. Still, I wonder, were my washer and dryer trying to tell me? Were the dogs trying to tell me? Was the universe trying to tell me?? "Hey! This day is fucked because your friend was killed this morning! Pay attention!"

Most of us don't blog anymore, or at least not like we did... and even when we were checking in daily, I always remember thinking, we were connected, but we weren't really a part of a family/friend phone tree. People could die and we'd never know... not unless we hit it lucky with a morbid google search. It seems wrong. For all of our advancements over the centuries, it seems like we should have invented a way to let people know, but no, we're not much better off than we were a hundred or more years ago when people would move to far away locales and who knew if you'd ever hear from them again... Still, it seems like we should know.

RIP Maureen.

Apparently TypePad is now Helping Jennifer...

I can no longer comment on my own posts. This must be a sign... from TypePad... letting me know I gave up posting,... stopped blogging. Either that, or in a weary state, I marked myself as spam.

Confession...

My potential breaking point in any task is when I'm about 9/10's of the way through. I realize that with certain tasks, I have found ways to justify the lack of completion. When unloading the dryer, I imagine the load like starter dough... you never use it all... therefore it's fine to keep 3-5 small items from previous load in the dryer when starting a new load. RIGHT??

Oh hai... Updated with even more squirrel ake-shun!

Update photo for Another Kiwi:

This post is now new and improved, with even more squirrel ake-shun!

Also- farm animal brought in to show scale of just how freaking large these squirrels were this past autumn... It was like Food of the Gods!

 

As I've said before, I'm not really a car person...

If you'd like, you can read about my quirks here... I'm not oblivious to car stuff, but it does not rule my world or determine my worth. My car quirks though?? What makes me like or not like a car? Well, they can be frustrating to someone who is a car person, or who is actually looking at the facts about what might make a car worth having...

This past Saturday, Grizzled pleaded with me to look at a couple of cars with him. I acquiesced. I put on my best "go with the flow" face and went along. One car he wanted to see in person was the Chevy Volt. I was fine with that. I was fine with everything he had read about it and everything that the overly-attentive car salesman discussed. I was fine until we got into the car and I looked at one of the instrument panels. It was white.

It bothered me.

I stayed quiet... knowing this was one of those "quirks". A white instrument panel was not going to have an affect on the workings of the car. I tried to ignore it, but still... it bothered me... it reminded me of something that didn't belong in a car... but a lot of things don't belong in a car and yet don't bring me down. This was bringing me down...

And then it hit me... it looked like the control panel on a washer or dryer! Who in the heck wants to spend 35K on a car and think of all of the laundry you "forgot" to do because you hate doing laundry?? I realize that cars and washer/dryers are about function, but I don't want my car reminding me of laundry. I would, however, do laundry in a machine that looked like a car...

On the way home, I confessed... Grizzled just shook his head and then thanked me for not saying this outloud to the salesman.

After we got home, I checked, it comes in a more subdued and "car-looking" black/taupe/gray/whatever.

Is it still brain-drain if you're aware it's happening?

I got back into town late Saturday afternoon. I was relieved to be back amongst my own family unit and was happy to feel like a grown-up again instead of the youngest. It doesn't matter how old you are, when in certain settings, you fall into line with your birth order. I'm surprised I didn't break out with acne while gone.

Anyhow, I got back and was pretty much a waste product. I was looking forward to doing nothing but the the crossword puzzle on Sunday when I remembered that Grizzled had signed us up for a glass class. Working with glass was always something that called to him, and a number of months back, he convinced me to go to a class with him. It was not something I ever felt the need to do, but hey... he was asking, and I wanted him to do it. I'm so glad we went.

It was just Grizzled, me and a very wonderful, knowlegable instructor. Since we were working with ovens that were cranking out 2400 degree heat and were going to be carrying around rods with molten glass, we had to focus. We had to really focus. There was no time for imaginary scenarios going around in your head... no time for judgment, no time for anything other than making sure you kept that rod spinning in your hand and doing what you needed to do to that molten blob of glass... at some point after my "second gather", while fusing my colored glass in what was called the "glory hole" (our instructor made the jokes, filthbot did not need to), I realized my mind was completely silent. I had experienced brain-drain, and I felt peace. Even though my mind acknowledged this, it couldn't stay on it for too long as I had to move to the next station, had to keep moving and doing, intensly focusing on the task at hand...

We pick up our paperweights sometime at the end of the week... they spend a fair amount of time in the annealing oven and then have to have their bases polished. They were so hot when we last saw them, I'm not even sure how they'll look. I don't even care. The process would have been worth it had we gotten nothing to take home. The brain-drain was definitely worth it.

When we left, the instructor asked if we'd be interested in doing more. He said it was addictive. Oh, I'm sure it is. I could already tell it was one of those things where once you got the feel, you had to go back to see if you could do it again, and then try this and try that. I'm not sure I need to do glass though. I kind of hope Grizzled does, but I know I need to do something that's hard... well, maybe not hard, but truly challenging... not something you know you'll be good at if you just give it a whirl, but something completely new... something that takes all of your focus and is also a little bit scary. I think the part that was most addictive for me was the brain-drain.

A Strange New World

This morning was the first morning I woke up without a living father on the planet. It was the obvious next chapter and yet seems incomprehensible... how could this be??

I know I have not been blogging in a while, and was not even sure if I was going to come back here, somehow this felt done... I was being called in new directions, but I felt the need to close his chapter on this as I have written about it here before... a few times.

I have made my peace with my father's inevitable passing... a number of times. I have said goodbye to him... a number of times, but this is where the real rubber hits the road. This one is real. This is not just knowing what will come, or even hoping for what will come... this is having it head on. Your father is gone. You will never see him again. I know it happens. I know no one gets out alive, and yet I still feel somewhat surprised...

He went into hospice care a little over two weeks ago. I was able to see him on the 22nd, and spent a couple of hours with him. He was aware of part of the visit, thank God... maybe more, but I was able to elicit two more weak laughs out of him, and even a word. He held my hand and I held his... and I held his stare for as long as he wished. I told him I knew his eyes were talking up a storm, but I was not quite sure what they were saying... maybe just saying he was still there... for a bit. For a little bit, my father was still there...

And now he's not.

Fathers are interesting creatures... larger than life... and yet so very, very human.  I bless the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with being human.

 

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Because nothing snaps a blog out of a coma faster than produce...

They had a huge stand of "Pluots" at the store yesterday... the sign said, "Dinosaur Eggs", but frankly, pluot skin makes me think of narwhals.

You wanna have fun??? I'll show you fun!!

Heard this "news" on the radio while in the car this morning. Apparently Diet Pepsi has discovered women are not happy and would like to have more fun. 72% want more fun. Really? Just women?? Frankly, I think 98% of the human race would like to have more fun. My dogs want more fun. How about you increase my fun without making me enter a stupid contest or buy your product or any product for that matter.

Yes, I'm a little cranky. I didn't sleep that well last night and today is most likely going to be woefully lacking in fun and flair.