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This morning was the first morning I woke up without a living father on the planet. It was the obvious next chapter and yet seems incomprehensible... how could this be??
I know I have not been blogging in a while, and was not even sure if I was going to come back here, somehow this felt done... I was being called in new directions, but I felt the need to close his chapter on this as I have written about it here before... a few times.
I have made my peace with my father's inevitable passing... a number of times. I have said goodbye to him... a number of times, but this is where the real rubber hits the road. This one is real. This is not just knowing what will come, or even hoping for what will come... this is having it head on. Your father is gone. You will never see him again. I know it happens. I know no one gets out alive, and yet I still feel somewhat surprised...
He went into hospice care a little over two weeks ago. I was able to see him on the 22nd, and spent a couple of hours with him. He was aware of part of the visit, thank God... maybe more, but I was able to elicit two more weak laughs out of him, and even a word. He held my hand and I held his... and I held his stare for as long as he wished. I told him I knew his eyes were talking up a storm, but I was not quite sure what they were saying... maybe just saying he was still there... for a bit. For a little bit, my father was still there...
And now he's not.
Fathers are interesting creatures... larger than life... and yet so very, very human. I bless the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with being human.
xo
Posted by: ntunes | January 05, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Very sorry, Jennifer.
You have motivated me to try to be as worthy for my daughter as your father was for you.
Posted by: herr doktor bimler | January 05, 2013 at 02:54 PM
Oh, hugs, Jennifer. I am so sorry to hear this this. My sympathies to you and your family.
I bless the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with being human.
You are a special person. I have no doubt your father was a big part of that.
Much love to you. xoxo
Posted by: blue girl | January 05, 2013 at 03:38 PM
I wish we could be there for you and listen to the stories and share in your memories of your father.
All of our thoughts are with you.
pp
Posted by: Pinko Punko | January 05, 2013 at 09:29 PM
So sorry to hear this, Jennifer.
~
Posted by: ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© | January 05, 2013 at 09:48 PM
My condolences, Jennifer. It's good that you were able to spend time with him and bid him goodbye.
Posted by: Big Bad Bald Bastard | January 06, 2013 at 12:27 AM
Thank you, good people.
xo
Posted by: Jennifer | January 06, 2013 at 02:15 PM
Good luck getting along Jennifer. You are swell.
The Lovely Daughter says "Stop doing dis blogspot. I hate errands and I hate art." Now it's time to go do errands and see some art.
Posted by: Substance McGravitas | January 06, 2013 at 03:07 PM
Go enjoy your daughter! :)
Posted by: Jennifer | January 06, 2013 at 03:13 PM
You sure are swell Jennifer. I know you're going to be getting through it.
Posted by: Another Kiwi | January 07, 2013 at 02:01 AM
Hi, Jen, I already gave you direct props and consideration. But I thought I would also say that it is good to see some Saying Yes content, because for nothing else, zombies miss the Saying Yes Internet stopping point.
You know, myself, I have no understanding of closing down a blog. Never done it myself. Gosh no. But if someone else feels the need, I would never criticize
But in any case, I will say again: Nice shirt.
And, of course, i feel for the Saying Yes and Saying Yes-adjacents. rock on, friends. Rock on.
Posted by: zombie rotten mcdonald | January 07, 2013 at 02:09 AM
Also, and this is entirely inappropriate in this post but I am not sure we shall ever have another available post at SY, but:
It seems that the anti-spam measures are easier to deal with after a few drinks.
Make of that what you will, and I appy-pologize if it seems to be inconsiderate.
Posted by: zombie rotten mcdonald | January 07, 2013 at 02:12 AM
I hate errands and I hate art."
That's kind of how I started, see how I ended up.
Posted by: zombie rotten mcdonald | January 07, 2013 at 02:14 AM
A moving post. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Von | January 07, 2013 at 08:23 AM
sorry to hear that, Jennifer. My Best wishes, as always to you and your family.
Posted by: almostinfamous | January 10, 2013 at 03:35 AM
Sorry I missed this when it first came up. I am very sorry your dad is gone, even if you had many chances to say goodbye. There seems to be a bit of sadness and mortality streaked through the bloggy recently. I guess we can't escape it, even here amongst ifriends.
Posted by: fish | January 15, 2013 at 10:11 AM
At least the internet also has a sense of humor. WV was: filth
Posted by: fish | January 15, 2013 at 10:12 AM
WV was: filth
My father would approve.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 15, 2013 at 01:03 PM
jennifer,
i'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and so moved
by your heartfelt writing. i hope you're finding some comfort.
Posted by: daveminnj | January 30, 2013 at 09:39 AM
daveminnj! Thank you very much for the kind words. I am finding comfort in that the world goes on and I am still surrounded by those I love. My father did the same thing... and on and on it goes.
I hope all is well with you... and your crazy cats, and your opossums.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 30, 2013 at 04:18 PM