Bat-in-Training...

In a handful of days, I turn 50. It's a fact. Yes, yes, I know, it's better than the alternative, but I have to say, it's fucking with me... not all of the time, but during those moments when my guard is down.

50...

It does not compute. 50 is my parents' age. 50 belongs to my aunts and uncles, or older siblings. I'm the baby of the family, how can I be 50???

Not to mention the fact that I'm still fighting inner wars and dramas from 15, 24, 32, 45... and probably more. Parts of me are caught up. Parts of me relish all I know now... the calm I have about certain areas of my life, but there are still parts of me that are panicking, thinking, WAIT!!! I'M NOT DONE YET!!! To be honest, in some ways, I haven't even started! But, if you're a female in the world, your shelflife is short... unless you move to the crone section. I'm allergic to dust. I don't want to move there.

Don't get me wrong... I don't need to be 25. I'm glad I'm not 25. I'm glad my children are growing and thriving and don't need me as much, OR... need me in newer, more wonderful ways, but still... 50.

I'm glad my creativity is loving that I'm 50. Although I'm no longer on the hip train of things, I see things and get things like never before, but still... 50.

My eyes are not what they were, my hair is not what it was, oh hell... nothing physical is what it was... and yet I feel like I finally understand things or have perspective on things I never have, but the joke is, it's too late. I've heard it a million times... "Oh! If only I knew what I knew now, but when I was younger!"

Heh.

Don't get me wrong. It doesn't bother me every day. It has not crippled me, but... there is a large part of me that is wondering how it happened... it's so easy to get lost in the minutiae of a day... and then another... and another, and before you know it, you're looking at those days from the other end and it freaks you out... if only for a moment.

I also know that I'll look back on this in 10, or 20 years, and will laugh. HA! You were ONLY 50!

Grizzled and I celebrated our 20th anniversary last week. While cleaning out a closet, I found a video his father had made of part of our rehearsal, our rehearsal dinner and a snippet of the reception. Somehow, we both had missed this. Somehow, it came into our possession and we had no clue! We watched it the other day, for the first time... watching people who are no longer here, people who were so much vibrant and younger. We looked at ourselves. When I looked at my 20 yr-younger self, all I could think of was, "WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM!??! YOU WERE FINE! WHY DID YOU LISTEN TO EVERY ASSHOLE WHO HAD A COMPLAINT?" I'm trying to tell myself that now... so I don't look back in 20 years and think, come on... life was good! You're with people you like and love! Doing more or less things you like and love! So what if your boobs are past their perky date! So what if your ass is huge! So what if you have not achieved all you want to achieve! Thank gawd you haven't! You have years to live! Years to thrive! Shut the fuck up and embrace this!

I know this. Deep down I know this...

But man... there are days when I'd like to take this back to 25... or 35... and try it knowing what I do now. I knew it then. I believe I did. I just listened to too many others, like most of us do.

Maybe I'll get myself some celebratory earplugs. :)

Comments

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

well, that's pretty rambling. Are you sure you're not a bat?

LOL.

I think as artists, the patina of age on eyes, and hair, and muscles, can inform and refine your work. The experience can color it, compensate for the fading energy and departed rampant violence of youth. Punks like the Mekons of 1977 turn into the alt-country pioneers of the mid-80s, turning into the alt-rock agitators of teh 90s, and they turn into the english-folk-punks of the new century. Art should be about the changes, about the transitions of life, shouldn't it?

Having said that, FIFTY!?!??! you old fart. Yeah, you better bring those earplugs to the party, we will probably be too loud for you, even if we're playing ELO. LOL.

[Jennifer]

I often take solace in the fact that I'm not as old as you... :)

I'll be fine, but some days I'd really like my old boobs back. Oh wait!! I've got old boobs!

[Substance McGravitas]

I remember thinking MAN I WISH I KNEW THIS WHEN I WAS ELEVEN when I was seventeen.

[Pinko Punko]

Are you going to have gun cake?

[Another Kiwi]

Gun cake will make you feel better, Jennifer.
I'd like to be 30 again.

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

oooo, I have a gift for you.

How far is The Plastic from a natural water source?

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

I'd like to be 30 again.

I wouldn't. I was an asshole then.

Not like now.

[herr doktor bimler]

It's tempting to walk back through the memory corridors and replay my 30th birthday, but I might get lost on the way back.

[Jennifer]

LOL at the gun cake.

Yeah, 30 sounds good. Or... being this age, but knowing at 30 what I do now... or knowing at 11 what Substance did at 17! :)

ZRM- how large must the natural water source be?

It's tempting to walk back through the memory corridors and replay my 30th birthday, but I might get lost on the way back.

Did you wear a smoking jacket?

[herr doktor bimler]

Oddly enough, yes...

[herr doktor bimler]

Now I am comfort-drinking and listening to Crispy Ambulance, and it is *all Jennifer's fault*.
If I knew then what I know now -- but the thirst for knowledge drives me forward

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

I hope you're celebrating with Magic Shell™!
~

[Jennifer]

Yes, it's all my fault... something parochial school and those pesky Lutherans instilled in me long ago.

Somehow I had made it this far without ever having heard of Crispy Ambulance, but I know them now! I'm still learning!!!!

[blue girl]

Happy Birthday Week Eve, Fellow Traveler!

Man, this whole aging thing is a puzzle I'm trying to put together in my mind. IT'S SO WEIRD how one day you're 30 and the next you're 50! Where did those 20 years go? I know where they went, the day ins and day outs of it all -- but, man, I wish someone had told me they'd *really* go by. I know I knew it, but at the same time, I didn't know it at all!

Whaaaaaaaa! (That's me crying like a baby. The 8 month old baby I used to be!! Oh, those were the days!!)

I have a friend who is in his late 70s. Still incredibly active. Plays out in live band, writes articles for a magazine in NYC, still parties his brains out. He's a cool dude, has had an extremely interesting life. Anyway, last year on FB he posted this:

Inside every older person is the young person they used to be screaming, What The F***?!

I loved that.

Ok, I'm rambling. Enjoy this time, Birthday Girl!

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

- but the thirst for knowledge drives me forward

It's not knowledge I am usually thirsty for.

[blue girl]

Forgot to say: Total lol @ gun cake. lolololol

[Jennifer]

Thanks, BG!

I love this:

Inside every older person is the young person they used to be screaming, What The F***?!

So true.

IT'S SO WEIRD how one day you're 30 and the next you're 50! Where did those 20 years go?

I KNOW!!! There are days when I don't even want to be busy. I don't want to be running from one thing to the next because that just makes it go faster.

Also... I'm still 49. :) I'm clinging to it for a few more days. :) I should get an extra month as 49 since I basically thought of myself as 50 for the past month. Is there an age ATM?? Can I withdraw another month?

[blue girl]

There are days when I don't even want to be busy. I don't want to be running from one thing to the next

That's *definitely* one of the coolest things about getting older -- not just flying around at the speed of light mindlessly like when you (universal you) were young. That's one of the reasons those 20 years went by so damn fast!!

Let each day drag!!

[herr doktor bimler]

Inside every older person is the young person

NOM NOM NOM

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

Is there an age ATM?? Can I withdraw another month?

Harlan Ellison
Would like a word with you.

[Chuckles]

"My eyes are not what they were, my hair is not what it was, oh hell... nothing physical is what it was..."

Bullshit, your smile is way better.

[Jennifer]

:)

It's hard not to smile when looking at a fully grown man in a "Birthday Girl" sash and princess hat.

[Kathleen]

J this post SPOKE to me

[Jennifer]

If I can take the age bullet for you and spare you some angst... good. :)

[Big Bad Bald Bastard]

"WHAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM!??! YOU WERE FINE! WHY DID YOU LISTEN TO EVERY ASSHOLE WHO HAD A COMPLAINT?"

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

I'll be fine, but some days I'd really like my old boobs back.

Sheesh, can't you just hang your coats on a hook on the door?

[Jennifer]

:)

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

Happy B-DAY!!!!one1!

(I'm assuming that four days is enough for a 'handful'.)
~

[Jennifer]

WRONG! A handful was 5. :) But thank you just the same.

I'M STILL 49!!! Tomorrow, the blog will be decked out with black bunting.

[blue girl]

Happy Birthday Eve!!

[Brando]

Happy Birthday, Jennifer.

I am going to play the rare sincere Brando card and say that seeing how witty, creative, and active you are is an inspiration. It may be hard to look back and see how the years have gone by, but at the same time, it's great to see how much you are doing right now.

[Jennifer]

Wait!?! No dick jokes??? BUT?!?!?! Who are you and what have you done with our Brando?!?

Thank you, Brando. That was sweet. I'll try to do even more... after I pimp my U-Scoot. :)

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

the deck is not wheelchair accessible, Jennifer. Better bring your four-point cane.

[Miss Jane]

Being part of the 50 club this year, I decided not to just celebrate the day, but the whole year. I am changing things I need to for good health without pharmaceutical drugs, little by little getting better at stretching and exercise and making it fun. Really appreciating life and embracing the future with all I know now. I have a metro mobility driving job and get to drive 95 year old charmers sometimes who are vibrant, sharp and mobile that look at me and say, oh dear, your just a baby!!
I am so excited for the future, and today.
I am also honored to be the same age as you!!
You are very inspiring.
Happy Birthday to you :-)
Woo Hoo !!

[Jennifer]

The feeling is mutual, m'dear. :)