This is not a waste-free post... it will waste your time...

We have approximately 10 more waste-free lunch days until I am free... YL will be leaving elementary school and we will finally be free from the militant waste-free lunch mother wardens who have turned me into an evil being... a being who once loved the Earth, but who now does spiteful stuff just because.

Waste-free lunch has been a burr under my saddle for years now. It used to be it was just one a month and anyone can handle anything for one day a month... plus it was for a good cause. We were teaching our kids how to reduce the waste that goes into landfill... (never mind that Grizzled and I do this on a daily basis. We've learned that nothing really counts unless it happens at school.) Of course, this message wasn't important enough on its own, no there had to be prizes. Kids need to get prizes for their participation. Grizzled and I often discussed the waste that went into making those Oriental Trading Co. prizes, not to mention them being waste themselves, but hey, let's not confuse things with the facts.

I think the thing that has frosted my ass the most since the inception of waste-free lunch days were the random rules, decided on the day by whichever militant mother volunteer showed up, exercising the power that she so missed in other areas of life. Waste-free lunch seemed to be one of those carnival games you never won and the child was then shamed for killing the planet.

During EL's years, I purchased a multi-compartment lunch container that took care of all items to go into her lunch. Did El get her prize? Hell no... I received a note one time that the rules were, there must be at least 2 reusable containers in the lunch. She only had one... never mind that ALL of her lunch items fit into this one ecologically sound container. She needed to bring two. I debated with them over this, but they refused to see my point and I refused to not use the container I had specifically purchased for waste-free lunch day. EL still has scars, but is not alone...

Sometime during YL's years at this school, waste-free lunch day became a weekly event. I upped my prescription for ulcer medication at this point, but continued to try and run the waste-free gauntlet set up by the new batch of mothers in charge... It seemed they had lightened up on the 2 or more container ruling so I thought I was home free... not to mention, I always use a metal spoon in her lunch. Her lunches were waste-free... until I got the notice about the cloth napkin. It seems it didn't matter now that her lunches were packed in waste-free containers and that she had a reusable spoon, I was including paper napkins, which I might add, are recycled napkins. I should have used a leaf.

But still, EL explained to me that I must continue to try as the shame of not having the perfect waste-free lunch weighs heavy on a young soul, and although she liked to bust her sister's chops, she didn't want someone else doing it. Cloth napkins it would be. I could do that. But... I also found myself rebelling in baaaad ways. Instead of buying a large container of apple sauce, I'd buy the individually wrapped ones... open one and put it into a reusable container. This gave more glee than it should have, but I am a sick individual when pushed to it... I did it with other things as well... sending in the supposedly waste-free lunch with a wicked, knowing smile. Screw the Earth I loved so much! Spite was so much BETTER!

The final straw (plastic straw!) came the other day when I was packing YL's waste-free lunch and asked her to get me the beatific cloth napkin. She said to just use a paper one, she didn't care... for one thing, they don't hand out prizes anymore, they just write "WF" on your hand with a marker. Grizzled chimed in at this point and said they forgot the T that goes in between... YL said she wouldn't even get that anyhow because she drinks milk from school... a milk contract that we purchase in the beginning of the year... milk that is ordered specifically for the number of kids with a contract. I was missing something. Why would that enter into what she brought from home?? She said the mother told her the milk did not come in a waste-free container and therefore, she did not have a waste-free lunch. We explained to her that it would be more wasteful if all kids who normally drank this milk did not on this given day. She said she understood, and just didn't care. She didn't care anymore. Hooray... they successfully killed what should have been a good thing in my kid's mind and in mine. Instead of encouraging any form of reducing waste, they made it impossible to do a good job. Did I mention, we'll only have about 10 of these left?!?! I can't wait.

In the meantime, Grizzled has been reeling off suggestions for the ultimate waste-free lunch... "How about we send her in with a live cow! That would reduce packaging and waste! The mothers can butcher it there in front of the kids and serve it for lunch! RAW!! So we don't waste energy cooking it!!!"

I believe another suggestion was sending her in without any lunch since any form of lunch involves some form of waste, including bodily waste... Can't have that... can't get WF marked on your hand if you poop.

Have I mentioned?? I'm so ready to be done with this...

Comments

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

This gave more glee than it should have, but I am a sick individual when pushed to it...

We learn more and more with each blog post...
~

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

I believe another suggestion was sending her in without any lunch since any form of lunch involves some form of waste, including bodily waste

In one of his books, Kurt Vonnegut told of a story by Kilgore Trout about a vacation planet that was so popular, the cumulative erosion from trillions upon trillions of visitors was reducing it's planetary mass, and so when you would visit, you would be weighed upon arrival and upon departure, and any increase was deducted surgically.

No point, really, just pointing out the beneficial nature of a good POOP. I support the cow idea. Make it a lab class.

Better yet, just let a couple of kids go zombie.

[fish]

I received a note one time that the rules were, there must be at least 2 reusable containers in the lunch.

Still laughing.

[Jennifer]

We learn more and more with each blog post...

Get me drunk and you'll find out plenty.

Better yet, just let a couple of kids go zombie.

It's going on the list of suggestions.

Still laughing.

So am I, but it's through the tears... and while rocking in the corner.

[Pinko Punko]

Please print this out and send to the PTA.

Also append the title: DEAR MORONS

ZRM- is that Vonnegut? It sounds like Douglas Adams.

[Substance McGravitas]

For all your help reducing
usage of plastic and paper
containers I thank you and hope you
know that your work is appreciated.

Your work and the volunteer spirit
of everyone at the school help
us all.

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

ZRM- is that Vonnegut? It sounds like Douglas Adams.

Jeez, am I ever useless. Corrected by Pinko. Sheesh.

Going away now. I have worms....

[Jennifer]

I'm all for volunteers and do plenty myself. What I don't appreciate is when some personal agenda gets in the way of the actual purpose. Any reduction in trash is a good thing. Why make someone feel bad because they didn't achieve an impossible goal (I'm talking about the milk deal).

We're all useless, ZRM. That's what makes us fun. :)
Buck up and answer your damn email.

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

What Jennifer said! I sent you an email too, ZRM.

P.S. Epitaph
~

[Jennifer]

SMcG- I wasn't sure if your comment was tongue-in-cheek or what so if the response was too snarky, it was because I was still steamed about damn lunch and missed the nuance.

Nice epitaph, thundra. :)

[Substance McGravitas]

Mine's a handy acrostic note you can put in your last lunchbox.

[Jennifer]

LOL!!!! I knew the patterning meant more than my snit-filled mind was picking up on... and it didn't sound like the SMcG whose posts I read, but now it does. :)

I love it.

[Another Kiwi]

Aaaaargh!!! Substance made me read swear words without knowing it!!
HE IS A MONSTA

Just an afterthought. Why does the interweb hate me this afternoon? i think that it's very unkind

[Aunt Snow (g)]

Hilarious, what dogma will drive people to. My very enlightened west coast small city sometimes gets ridiculous like this. The squirrel-abatement program in the parks....that's a tale lifted right out of a farce.

PS - perhaps you should have enclosed a tiny little container INSIDE the multi-compartment container!!

[Jennifer]

Oh, Aunt Snow! That would have been perfect!

[Pinko Punko]

HAHA Thundero

ZRM- that only struck me because I watched a couple eps of the BBC Hitchikers a couple of months ago- I wasn't even sure. I like how you made it sound really accurate. I bet Wikipedia is planted with bombs of things that sound even more true.

[Kathleen in Oakland]

incredible. I'm amazed you are as sane as you are.

for some reason reminds me of an article about how kids all get driven to school now in California, and specifically the report of a kid who tried to bike to school was hit by one of the cars, so the response by the school was to ban biking to school.

[Pinko Punko]

This is the natural progression towards conservative politics. They know this. When things don't work great, their goal is to make them work worse, then people get the idea that it is impossible for anyone to be competent. Then they'll bring in some equally incompetent shady company to run the school.

[Von]

I cannot get over just how much I LOVE your entire family.

[Eldest Lamblet, Daughter of Greenie Gone Rogue]

Not only did the mothers (who *weren't* yours) shame you, but the mean kids would wave their stupid little erasers in your face.

Maybe you should tell them to ride a rabid polar bear to school instead of their ecologically destructive BMW's... suits their personalities more accurately anyhow...

[Jennifer]

FYI:

All BMWs are driven by people who are psychologically unfit to drive anything more powerful than an electric razor. --Jeremy Clarkson