Unraveling

Unravel: 

1 a : to disengage or separate the threads of : disentangle b : to cause to come apart by or as if by separating the threads of

2 : to resolve the intricacy, complexity, or obscurity of : clear up <unravel a mystery>

The man I know as my father is unraveling with rapid speed. Disengaging day by day, unraveling and leaving parts of himself behind... a physical trait here, a memory there.  They said it would happen, but we held out some kind of hope for a magic pill or a misdiagnosis.

And while he is unraveling, shedding the wholeness and complexity that once was, there have been moments of joy as his carefully woven facade sloughs away bit by bit.

I know my father loves me. I have always known that, but he's had a very hard time saying it. I blame his harsh Germanic upbringing. You could see the struggle on his face, or hear it in his voice when you would say, "I love you, Dad!" and he knew he would have to respond and sometimes he did, with merely a strained, "Oh... Thank you." It was painful... not that he didn't reciprocate the feelings, but that saying it felt like he was breaking some long-ago ingrained rule.

As my father's disease worsened, his emotions ran more freely. No more stifling a tear or denying a feeling. It was amazing, and at times, almost scary to experience.

And then there came a time, when talking to him on the phone, that the conversation was not as usual ended by me saying, "I love you, Dad!" and then waiting in discomfort as he tried to sputter out the same words.... There came a time when he said, with no discomfort whatsoever, "I love you, Sweetie! Don't stay away so long!" and he said it first. I think the first time he did that, I responded in kind, hung up the phone and cried. It was salve on the wound. It was reassurance... it was just nice. There was no facade, there was no persona, there was just a father telling his daughter that he loved her... and telling her first

If you like people, if you love people, tell them. Life is too short. There's too much bullshit. We don't hesitate for a second to rip someone a new one, but so often we hold back the good. There's something wrong with that. We should be taught to struggle to spit out the venom, not the love.

Things are funky right now... I'm not really in the mood for posting... not even my filler YouTubes... but I just wanted to say, for anyone who stops by on a regular, or not so regular basis, you are appreciated and I like you.

Comments

[Claire]

Love to you and yours Jennifer. xo

[Von]

A very lovely post. Thinking of you and your family.
and
p.s.
I like you a whole lot.

[Brando]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father, Jennifer.

It's a testament to our little community that I feel genuinely moved by posts like these, when blog friends whom I have (mostly) never met deal with life struggles. There is a lot of affection amid the sarcasm.

[ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©]

There's something wrong with that. We should be taught to struggle to spit out the venom, not the love.

Perfectly stated.

Hug for Jennifer!
~

[Dan Leo]

And we love you, too, Jen.

[Another Kiwi]

We do.
Peace to you, J.

[Jennifer]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a tad sheepish... I wasn't intending this to be a plea for love-fest... am just on the big, scary roller coaster of life right now and was winging the post this morning, but I appreciate the comments.

[blue girl]

"I wasn't intending this to be a plea for love-fest"

We knew that and love you for it! No need to feel sheepish, my dear.

Love, love, and more love to you and yours as you ride this big, scary roller coaster.

[Karla]

Waaaaaa! Of course this one got me right where I live. Dad has been saying that same phrase to me in recent years. If you ask him, 'How are you feeling? What are you thinking?' he will just say, 'Feeling pretty good.' As far as what he is thinking. Hmmmm.... If you have ears to hear, the message is right there, isn't it? Some people are not able to say what they are thinking but if you listen to what they do say you can pretty much figure it out. I know you have. I know that this is not universal.

[zombie rotten mcdonald]

Went through the same thing with Missus Zombie's dad, and her mom is now going the same way. It's very tough.

we'll be here when you feel like posting, Jennifer.

Meanwhile, now maybe I need to go over to fish's to spread the love....

[TLB]

Amen, sister.

[Von]

When we do not plea for love fest
we get love fest
that's how we roll.
you deserve love fest.

[B^4]

It's really hard going through this ordeal, but you always find that you have the strength you need to come through.

[scribbler50]

You are appreciated and we like YOU!

[Kathleen]

what BG and Brando and everyone else said

[daveminnj]

geez,i'm awfully sorry,jennifer. that's really
rough- and i know what a kind, sensitive person you are. you and your family will be in my thoughts.

[Miss Jane]

Love You :-) xox

[herr doktor bimler]

I am sure that the 'Generic cialis' currently commenting on other threads is just another well-wisher, but DO NOT TRUST his or her medical advice.

[Kathleen Maher]

Jennifer, I'm so sorry you're father is beginning to lose himself.

I once had a boyfriend whose father kissed him on the mouth by way of greeting. It delighted me so much I never asked how it started but only told him I admired it. This was in late adolescence, not the beginning, so he was appreciative, not embarrassed. Despite my urging, however, my loving children flat-out refuse to accept this gesture.