I still hate spiders...

I know they do good. I know they eat mosquitoes and keep other insects in check. I JUST DON'T WANT THEM WITHIN 100 FEET OF ME! Especially the large ones... those girthy ones... those musclebound, hairy ones that grumble my name as they're looking me in the eye and getting ready to charge.

The other morning I thought my worst nightmare had come true. Some LARGE, HAIRY spider was hopping, yes, I said hopping, across our office floor. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw hair and joints and darkness and I knew, no matter how scared, that I had to find this spider before it hid in the strategically arranged piles on the floor. If it went into the piles, I'd never sleep. If it went into the piles, it'd wait until I needed something from those piles or decided I was going to get organized and put them away. No... for once in my spider-fear-filled life, I was going on the offensive. Besides, Grizzled was still in the shower.

I'd have to go after this beast and go after it, I did. I went after it like a mad woman, careening around, quickly throwing things to the side and then holding vomit at bay and shivering as I prepared to see its uncovered scariness waiting to lunge at me.

And then I saw it scurry out from behind a box. Dear. Lord. This thing was HUGE. It was not just my imagination. It was hairy and it was huge and it was hopping! It was also a bizarre combo of light and dark. Its main body was dark as only an evil spider can be and yet the hair on it was light and really long. It was gross!

And even though I was afraid it was going to grab my leg or jump onto my face, I knew I was going to have to stomp on it. I was wearing Merrill Jungle Mocs and I was still wasn't sure I could take it, but I would have to try. It was around this time that Grizzled emerged from the bathroom. Not only had he heard me thrashing about, but I guess I was making panic noises. He came in to see what was wrong. He came in right as I killed the beast.

It turns out... it wasn't a spider. It was a cricket... a large, dark cricket that must have escaped when I was trying to put some in Ponce's tank. Oh yeah, and the hair? The cricket must have found a hidden patch of dog hair tumbleweed and got tangled up in it and was dragging it along as it hopped into our office.

You know, even though I know it was now merely a cricket wearing a full-body toupee, I still shiver when I look at the piles in the office. I don't think I'm going to be able to touch them for awhile. Maybe I'll get organized in February.

And I still don't like spiders.

Comments

[daveminnj]

so i guess you don't want me to find and
mail the photos of the 12-foot across spider webs on the wrought-iron
bridge over the delaware that i promised you?

[Jennifer]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[Kathleen]

You squashed Howard Bugsell!!

why do I have the feeling that fish is going to have a "Famous Toupees of the Animal Kingdom" link in his back pocket?

[Pinko Punko]

First, it is bad luck to kill crickets, and second, what spiders do in piles is NOT lie in wait to jump on your face, it is to lay thousands upon thousands of eggs. I also hear that spiders like Claire cookies.

[Dan Leo]

So I guess you won't be waiting in line to see Spider-Man IV?

[Snag]

Spider-Man IV - The Intravenousing.

[The Uncanny Canadian]

I kind of wish it were some prehistoric gargantuan lamblet-eating spider that you smote, because how cool would that be to stomp it to death!!! Anyway that cricket got what it had coming to it. Well done.

[Jennifer]

LOL@Kathleen. I can spot a bad toupee... I should have known it was an insecure cricket.

Pinko- I didn't kill a cricket on purpose, I killed a prehistoric lamblet-eating spider!! And thanks for putting my mind to rest. I'm now wondering where all of the hidden egg sacs are... however, nice way to sneak in a Claire-cookie jab. You haven't lost it. :)

Dan- I'm thinking along the same lines as Snag... I'd probably need a sedative IV after seeing the movie.

Snag- you should copyright that title now.

Thanks UC. I fully agree. I'm sorry about the loss of cricket life, but if you act like a scary spider in my house... well, you'll be treated like one, which usually means I run, but this time... well, I had to take action.

[blue girl]

if you act like a scary spider in my house... well, you'll be treated like one, which usually means I run

LOL!

I can relate.

Take that! scary spider! That'll show ya!

[blue girl]

Oooooops! Sorry about the tag!

[billy pilgrim]

Cricket Shatner.

Just here to chew a little scenery.

[fish]

Jennniiiiffffffuuuurrrrrrr, you misssseeeeedddd meeeeeeeeee.........

[fish]

why do I have the feeling that fish is going to have a "Famous Toupees of the Animal Kingdom" link in his back pocket?

You mean like this?

[Jennifer]

BG- I got it. The tag, not the spider. I'm glad I'm not the only one who runs!!!

Cricket Shatner... lol!

fish- you're E-VILLE!!!! But the second link is kind of funny. :)

[Jennifer]

fish- I was just thinking... if I had found Bolton in my office, I'd have kicked his ass, no problem.

[Brando]

This is the best parable about the War on Terror ever.

[Mary Jane]

Definately the funniest thing i've heard in a while. I just can't help thinking about how scared that poor wigged out little cricket must have been of you!!

[Chuckles]

You are hereby banned from The Genius Residence, Jennifer.

And stop peeking in my windows!

[Kathleen]

Your evil plot failed Fish, for I kept my eyes averted from the screen as your link loaded, with my cursor on the 'x'. Therefore, your horror failed to horrify. I am not so naive as you may think.

of course I am talking about John Bolton.

[Jennifer]

Interesting slant, Brando.

MJ- I felt bad for the cricket after I stomped it. Still... it might have been conspiring with the enemy.

Chuckles- no offense to Helob... I just don't want to see Helob... EVER!

Kathleen- I sent this to Dr. fish.

[Mandos]

Funny, I have the same reaction to crickets but no such reaction to spiders. Crickets remind me too much of roaches. Spiders mostly seem benign to me.

[The Uncanny Canadian]

Here is another therapeutic way to promote the stomping of spiders:

http://www.kongregate.com/games/DrNeroCF/fancy-pants-adventure-world-2/

[Jennifer]

I dilly dallied and that mean rabbit stole my ice cream cone!!! And then... I stomped on some spiders, but the 4th one kicked me! It kicked me and I was kaput! Harrumph. I think I'm more upset with the ice cream-thieving rabbit!!!

[The Uncanny Canadian]

But isn't the spider stomping the absolute best? That rabbit is very very mean. It feels good to get the ice cream back in the end. Also snail golf is challenging and fun.

[almostinfamous]

hey UC... add me on kong, if you're a member.

http://www.kongregate.com/accounts/almostinfamous

this goes for any of you crazy ppl out there on kongregate :)

[fish]

LOL @ Kathleen!

CURSES my evil plan was foiled again.

[The Uncanny Canadian]

AIF, I've never registered, but will look into it. I generally even half-ass playing on Kongregate.

[Gregor Samsa]

Did I ever mention that Plover loves spiders?