The Billy Pilgrim Entry Letter

BP has sent me an electronic copy of his entry letter so that I might include it here. Yeah, I could have typed from the actual letter, but today that feels like work. Without further ado... The Letter. Look for the movie version some time in '09.

To whomever receives this package:
Thank you for entertaining our meager submittal. Please accept our humble bakerology efforts. We are but simple people here in Milwaukee, who do not have knowledge of esoteric ingredients like “insecticide” and “brittle”. We find nutrition in simple meals of moose, corn, and massive quantities of tequila which is brought to our land by indigent auto-dealers, moving here to work the annual cellulite harvest.

The combustibles herein are regrettably not accompanied by quality beverages, or a mulit-media extravaganza featuring dancing Snags and exploding melons. If you have a source nearby, I would recommend a tall glass of ice cold wisconsin moo-juice, or some nice clear spring water. And an extra large doobie never hurts. The Snappish cookies should NOT be dunked in coffee; unless, as the construction manual warns, “you like pork coffee”.

Zelmo was going to include some wonderful petroleum-based cakery products, but he had been also assigned to oversee construction of the American Made Gingerbread House, Modern Stylee; sadly, during construction, the Brittle shingles overwhelmed the reinforcing of the hearth, and the ensuing icing fire resulted in burns over 78% of his body, and baked all of his mind. In any estimation, he is overdone. Now he just lays in his Barca-Lounger,
drooling into his chili and watching “Space Nuts” reruns on a black-and-white tv. We are beside ourselves with grief; feel free to send get well cards and flavored ointments.

Should you feel the need for entertainment while sampling the bakestimals herein, please find enclosed a “Compacked disk” with some Holiday Selections popular around the Pilgrim Compound this time of year. Of course, it includes Glue Birl and Neddie doing “Christmas Time is Here” because although she may be a total Cookie Tyrant and Suck-up Briber to the judges and General Cookie Cheater, it’s a lovely song. Suffice to say that during the
bakenollogical effort, these songs came to occupy a special place in our left thumbs; we hope one of your digits will respond similarly.

The recipes represented have been hoarded in our tribe’s ancestral temple, only allowed light of day once every third year; we were allowed special dispensation in an off-year because great-great-great-grand-uncle Matilda Pilgrim once dated General Mills, who left her disheveled, post-rumpus to go back to the Fabled Cookie Wars of 1743; she has instructed her descendants to wage unceasing guerilla gorilla warfare against the bakest behemoth ever since. But maybe that’s a tale for a different time. Included in today’s package are:

1. Crawford’s Super-Detailed GingerySnappers, Brownish.

2. Biily P’s Golden Lumps (a recipe created by the Original Billy Pilgrim, the man who inspired Vonnegut in his love story Slaughterhouse Five, who invented these when his automobile overturned in a henhouse while delivering moonshine to on-duty police officers. The fire burned for 5 days)

3. Missus Pilgrims Slabs O Butter, Scotch, N CocoNut. We are unsure how much alcohol she included. If anyone eats more than one, let us know if they may still stand.

Warning: Do not apply to forehead. Avoid strong light and weak heat. Do not taunt baked goods. May cause lengthening of left limbs; if profuse sweating occurs, consult a doctor. Do not operate heavy vehicles or light entertainment. May obstruct justice; dispose of properly. IN NO CASE allow pets or other living thingsl to view. For external use only. Keep away from open flame and Happy Fun Ball. Baker makes no warranty, express or implied, and takes no responsibilioty for apocalyptic events relating to these bakemistological items. See a thereapist. Seriously.

PS. I have just been notified that Zelmo has come out of his morphine-addled haze long
enough to package his ‘entry’. Let’s give him a little slack on this one, OK? He has so little to live for. Winning a second-rate cookie contest would do wonders for his poor, damaged mind and body.

Note from moi- This letter had a certain Snaggishness to it... I'm starting to wonder, might BP and Snag be the same person? Has anyone seen both of them in the same room at the same time?

Comments

[billy pilgrim]

It's got a certain zen quality with all the formatting baselined like that.

I think I like it better.

[Jennifer]

BP- I actually got it to align so now your comment makes no sense whatsoever. :)

[Adorable Girlfriend]

Yes, but were there any spelling errors?!!!

[Jennifer]

AG- like the kind fool I am... I started to correct them before posting and then I thought, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?? This is BP!! I corrected 2, but left the rest as is. Of course you know he'll say he put them in on purpose.

[billy pilgrim]

I put them there on porpoise.

[billy pilgrim]

BP- I actually got it to align so now your comment makes no sense whatsoever.

Ah. so now it is more in keeping with the rest of my comments.

And I feel better about that

[Kathleen (in Oakland)]

May obstruct justice

LOL.

[Snag]

If BP and Snag are the same person, pity the fool.

[fish]

Has anyone seen both of them in the same room at the same time?

Has anyone seen Bullwinkle since either one of them started to blog?

[Jennifer]

Has anyone seen Bullwinkle since either one of them started to blog?

LOL

PS- Yay! Fish is back!

[billy pilgrim]

Bullwinkle was Unpeopled.

And I have an alibi. I was with Snag.

[Jimmy Olsen]

I'm starting to wonder, might BP and Snag be the same person? Has anyone seen both of them in the same room at the same time?

Well golly lady, I have.

[Jennifer]

Hey Jimmy- which is the regular guy and which is the alter ego? Does Snag go into the butcher locker and come out as BP or does BP go in and come out as Snag? Also, has either of them given you a signal watch?

[Jimmy Olsen]

Gosh, I always thought billy pilgrim was the alter guy and Snag was the regular ego. It's real neat the way they take turns in that locker though. Must save a fortune on the rent. I hear it has an HDTV, like my watch, but bigger.