I was talking with a friend a number of weeks ago, I don't remember the progression of the conversation, but do recall ending up talking about what artistic projects I was working on when this little nugget came out... He said, "It's too bad you haven't been successful with your artwork." He said I had not made much money, or if I had, I had not been consistent.
I sat silent for a moment, confused... It was so strange because in my heart of hearts I could reel off a hundred ways in which I had been successful with it and they were very important ways, ways that meant the world to me. The money part seemed so insignificant at that point. I was thinking instead of my artistic victories; it was so odd to hear someone sum up my entire creative path in terms of money. I understand how he could have done that. I've done that at times, many other people have done that, but when it came right down to it, too much had gone well for me to dismiss it.
I've treated my artistic abilities like a loyal pooch. No, that's not true, I'd treat a dog better... I've treated them more like a high school boyfriend... there when I need it, dismissed as soon as something more intriguing comes along... and there again when something intriguing doesn't call or live up to the hype. You get the idea.
I don't think I ever set out to have a serious artist career (to be said in deep booming voice!). I love painting, but never wanted to be Julian Schnabel. I always liked Pop Culture a little more (yes, I said it!)and would have been happy making one silly thing that the masses embraced as a touchstone. And I wasn't even sure of that.. other paths were often more intriguing, but when they paled or life's direction changed, art was there waiting for me. Sometimes I treated it as dismissively as a party trick, other times I realized I might have underestimated it. As I've gotten older, I've relied on it more and more... appreciated it more and more, taken it for granted less and less. I've slowly realized it's not a separate part of me, but was just me... me needing to make things, needing to capture things, needing to express in various ways.
I've made a lot of discoveries over the years. They haven't stopped, if anything, they've increased. I think back to the artistic person I was in high school and in college and then as a young adult, times when I thought I had reached all there was to reach, that my vision was complete, and I laugh because I've realized over the years that I will never stop learning new ways of seeing things, new ways of experiencing things, and with these new ways will come new ways of expressing. It's never-ending, thank God.
I felt I was all that in my 20's... but my 30's held creative changes I never would or could have expected. My 40's have been just as eye-opening. I keep moving forward, keep feeling and seeing things on different levels, which is why it was so funny to hear my entire artistic success summed up in terms of the bottom line. It's ironic because looking back, I probably made more money on things that were nowhere near what I am capable of today. I'm almost ashamed I took money for them...
No, my artistic success cannot be summed up in mere dollars. If anything, my lack of consitent earnings over the years has proven I've failed at marketing and business. Or I've failed at being concise and knowing exactly what I've wanted to do or be when I grew up. I haven't failed in art, I've failed at making money, I've failed at focusing and choosing. I haven't failed at what I've created or how what I've created has evolved and how I feel about it. I haven't failed in how I see things or feel things. I haven't failed at having ideas, THANK GOD. You have permission to shoot me should my imagination ever give up on me and leave. No, I just honestly could not say I had failed. It was nice to see it like that, to feel it like that, probably for the first time ever.
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