This morning I started to write a post about pussy willows... I loved them as a kid. I still like them. It's pussy willow season. I can't look at them and not think of the millions of them that I wished would come to life. I was certain they were really animals. I'd break off one or two of the catkins and would tuck them in my jewelry box, on a little piece of cotton, sure they'd move at some point, or would make a sound, or something. Sometimes I left water or some grass...
Anyhow, I started to write a post about them... I Googled to find their scientific name, but Google was not giving me the goods. Every entry said "Willow". I didn't want willow... I wanted pussy willow! I knew this was a common name, not some local term that only a handful of people knew! Where in the heck were all of the entries for pussy willows?? (insert your rude joke here)
And then I saw the little notice:
The word "pussy" has been filtered from the search because Google SafeSearch is active
And then it dawned on me that I'd be making a huge mistake if I wrote about pussy willows given the general crowd that tends to hang out around here... and I'd have to listen to a million p-word jokes... and be reminded of the one night at Brando's when I dropped the p-bomb and people realized I was not just some nice mother who liked to paint, but rather a filthbot in disguise...
I still don't like the p-word, but I can ignore it if it's attached to willow... and thank gawd it's not the other p-word. Had they been panty willows, I would have hated them from the get-go!
I also just realized I wrote "low brow" in my categories instead of "lowbrow". This is my latest deal... I want to make evey thing into a compound word, except for actual compound words... those, I separate.
I received this book as a gift waaaay back in my younger, sprier years... It had been tucked away, but I unearthed it while looking for something else... I showed EL. She got a kick out of it. I told her of how her grandmother and I had great fun with it back when I first received it... my younger, smoother hands making rude images, but her older, more lived-in hands, making for really rude images. My hands are closer to hers now.
I had forgotten I had taken photos of some of the pages... until I uploaded a slew of EL's photos to be printed out at a local store. I'm guessing they got a kick out of them. I'm surprised I haven't had the perv police show up at my door yet.
For anyone who has not yet tried the lost art of furtling, I highly recommend it. Hairy hands add to the laugh quotient as well.
Update: Adding one more... with directional prose.
I caught YL wrapping her finger in florist's tape this morning... green florist's tape that had a healthy dose of glitter stuck to it, remnants from one of EL's old projects. I asked what she was doing. She told me she was going to act like she had a broken finger. I started to laugh, saying I doubted people would believe her given she was using florist's tape... She didn't like that.
About 15 minutes later, she asks me what happened to the black eyeliner pencil she used for Halloween. I was distracted with other things so wasn't really paying attention until her words sunk in and I heard her rifling around in a drawer.
"YL?? Why do you need black eyeliner??"
"YL?? What are you doing??"
She sheepishly came in and told me she was going to draw lines down the sides of her chin so she could tell people she was a puppet. I burst out laughing... not the best response... I explained that part of what makes an April Fools' joke good is that people might actually believe it, or you catch them off guard, and while she'd make a cute puppet, I'm not sure anyone was going to fall for the fact that she's been impersonating a person all this time.
She was bummed. She wanted to do something. I suggested she tell people she was moving. No, that was lame! Apparently everyone says that. OK, OK. I suggested she tell them she was really a lemur... No, that was going down the puppet route... She then asked if I had ever done any April Fools' jokes in grade school.
I started to spout out a list the classic examples... Saran Wrap on the toilets... Vaseline on the toilet seat (sorry Mrs. Hoepner, I hope that hip healed)... My class once unscrewed our teacher's podium. He had a podium he stood at up front and he'd tend to get long-winded with his pontifications... while pontificating, he would flex and rock on while holding the podium... we carefully unscrewed it and stacked it back together. It was a thing of beauty... the first flex/rock he tried to take brought the pieces of podium tumbling down... No recess for the week was worth it. I also recalled putting all desk drawers in upside-down, which took some doing and jamming. Thankfully we had a sub that day so there was little retribution.
I continued to reel off other stupid things done at school, whether for April Fools' or not, when I saw the look on YL's face and told her that stuff was not cool... it was her mother acting out against the parochial man... she had no need to lower herself by performing such shenanigans... and before she could get another question out, I could see the bus at the corner... and as she was leaving, I yelled after her not to listen to me! That I liked her teacher... don't be mean to the teacher! Besides, I'm feared a kid these days would face a stricter punishment than loss of recess and an eternity burning in hell.
Never underestimate a lamblet... when she got home, she told me she went to the Principal and asked if she would be willing to go tell her teacher she was fired. The Principal said given the way things were these days, she wouldn't go that far, but she was willing to seek out the teacher and tell her she was in trouble and was on probation. Of course the teacher flashed on what was going on, but kudos to the lamblet for having the cojones to work the plan.
A new-fangled nighttime bra that erases those pesky cleavage wrinkles?? I don't know about you, but I think I'll take the wrinkles over wearing this thing... and if I did have to wear it, I'd probably rip it off in my sleep ala Von and her night guard.
I have to say, I found this part kind of amusing...
Before using La Decollette, please make sure that you moisturize your cleavage with your regular nightcream.
Following these directions is a photo of a lovely woman wearing a pearl necklace. I guess we know we know what kind of night cream we should be using while ironing out those rascally wrinkles...